I don't get it!

Yesterday started off with such promise and it was a great day right up until one of my friends came to my desk.  Looking up at him I knew something was wrong, I had not put in an IT issue but you never know when there are updates and the like that are being done.  I could see he was upset and when I asked 

'Hi, how are you' he said not good I just came to say goodbye.' 

My head started to spin, did I really hear him say Goodbye, your brain is trying to keep up with events at this point, and so you keep asking clarifying questions, are you leaving? whats happened.

It them spills out, he and another guy in IT department have been retrenched!

I just want to say right now I really hate this new term for loosing your job, it's like collateral damage, you are just trying to sanitize a very ugly thing.


He had been retrenched earlier in the week, bundled in a taxi and away from the office.  This was the first day back and I talked to him till his 'farewell lunch' he didn't want to go but felt he should.  I think he was braver than I would of been.


You may be thinking yeah well these things happen, it wasn't just him 6 people were retrenched.  All have live, responsibilities and commitments.  Some are going to find it easier than others to get another job due to their age, I pray for every one of them as this is going to be an exceptionally hard weekend.


I still feel a numbness today, do I feel equally anxious about my own job, who doesn't!


I am not looking forward to the next day in the office, there is an anxiety and grieving that is hanging over the place like a toxic cloud.


Thank goodness it's Saturday!

Light at the end of a dark tunnel

It hasn't been the best couple of weeks but today I feel things could be looking up.

Sometimes it doesn't take much to be able to see that bend in the road.

Walking to the bus this morning a workman said he like my scarf, poor guy did have to say it three times before I realised he was actually talking to me.  The bus was right on time, empty, so I got a seat and I am about to go and get a coffee from the good coffee shop up the road.

Those little moments in life, those unexpected comments and things working out better than you expected, truly do make a day.

Today I smile!

Sliding ......

I realized today as I fought off the tears, that I just couldn't explain, that I have slid into depression...again.

I really wish I wasn't that person, the person that when she is hurting and in need of a friend, hides herself away from everyone, making excuses because I don't want to inflict myself on anyone else.

It's such a scary time when you can identify the sliding happening.  

It starts off so slowly, a bad day where more than a few things that would frustrate you happen all at once.

A friend you really want to talk too is too busy and kinda brushes you off.

All these things seem to take on mammoth proportions and even though you are fully aware of the irrational nature of your mood, can't help yourself.

So I find myself, this morning, crying quietly to myself, over nothing in particular but realizing that the depression that I have struggled with most my life...

...has returned.

 

Those nightmares you can't shake

 Yesterday, I had the pleasure of talking to the sweetest group of elderly ladies you could ever meet.  One of them, after my talk came and shared with me an experience her daughter had had when she was a teenager that as I listened I realised, to my horror, she could of been telling my own childhood story.

I left the ladies feeling a little shaken and very exhausted, the past that we try so very hard to shake, can often catch us unawares.

Last night I had the worst nightmares, so much so that when I woke I was not sure if they were real or not.

I know this will have a residual effect for the next couple of days, making me unsure of myself, paranoid even, quiet and very uncomfortable around people.

My way of dealing with this?

To be so bright and bubbly people think I am hyper and had too much coffee *sigh* if only they knew what was really going on inside of me.